Frustration

I am sitting here buried in piles and mounds of paperwork. I come upon my teaching materials (yes there is lots of paperwork with teaching). I am at a loss on what to do with it all. Harley tells me to throw it out but like a pack rat I cannot bring myself to do so. I do throw out old tests but keep all my readings from graduate school.

To save us money we did not buy books but photocopies of writings from a multitude of books. They are all very good. Anyhow, These articles are stapled but loose. Before all this treatment ordeal and turn of events, I had a master plan to create a computer library catalogue of my articles and file them nice and neatly in order and by topic into large 3 ring binders. I did have them in binders while in school but (chuckle) to save money I would take out the articles every quarter and replace them with the new ones I needed the next quarter. Thus I accumulated several piles of paper which also includes lesson plans, tests, experiments, nature and science poetry, and etc.

To simplify things temporarily, I decided to attach them together with black binder clips which I have always loved. LOL I used to hoard them (especially when I worked as a supervisor for the WSDA). In fact I liked them so much that I finally broke down and bought myself a huge tub of them at Costco before I graduated with other sized paperclips.

Unfortunately my hands don't function as nicely as I remember them. It gets so frustrating. I fidgeted around with a medium size clip for probably about 5 minutes before I finally said "The H__ with it!" I just could not get it opened wide enough. If I pressed it against my leg and used the palm of my hand I could get it open to what it was supposed to be but then it would slip before I could get the darn stack of paper in there. I could not get it wide enough with just my hand. I tried several different methods and it just was not working. Then it dawned on me that what was meant to be a modern convenience has become an inconvenience and was taking much longer than it should.

I don't know if I will get the strength back in my hands. This week my left hand has been weak and even shaky while holding a glass of water at times. I suppose I should start doing some hand and wrist strengthening exercises.

I am very frustrated often......many things.....walking, the eye bouncing, the clumbsyness of my hands, the burning of my eye when I wake up, ramming into everything when I first get out of bed, etc. Sometimes I feel so old......like I skipped several years overnight. I look at pictures of myself doing all these things as if it were 30 or 40 years ago and wonder what happened to that person.

Ok this is getting a little too emotional. On a positive note, my face has seemed to improve yet not a 100% and this week I have learned to drink water from a wide rimmed plastic glass. Prior, I could only drink through a straw on the left side of my mouth. I am still eating on the left side but my taste has improved (unfortunately giving me some sugar cravings......I ate a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Body and Soul last night!). So looking at the bright side, even though I am slow I can still enjoy eating and don't need to be tube fed.