Thursday, March 26, 2009

Focus on what IS going right!

I am feeling very positive today.

About a week ago, I had an appointment to review the MRI scan that I had 2 weeks ago. I did not see the report until I was in the appointment. It is kind of frantic and overwhelming to try to understand the terminology within a radiology report, read captioning, formulate questions, and then try to keep up with viewing MRI films which would scare the be jesus out of the normal everyday person and continue to amaze doctors (as it is unbelievable I am the same person representing the cluttered mess they are seeing on the film).

I was not expecting any growth so when I saw that some growth was reported (however big or small), I bit down hard to keep tears from overflowing and freaking out Harley. Alas, I am a horrible lier and failed at hiding my fear and panic from Harley. As a result, I think I kind of freaked him out too and all we could focus on was that there was some kind of growth. But it is really surprising because I feel so great!

Trying to keep up with everything in the appointment and the measurements of the tumor on the computer, I could not clearly comprehend it all and the tumor appeared larger than it actually grew (2 fused together so that is why the measurement seemed so enormous when it was actually a small 4 mm growth).

In the midst of all this, my doctor told me that it is actually the only growth out of several which! (which is rather great - less surgeries or treatments). Anyhow, we left the appointment and decided to just put it away and go out for Indian food. After lunch, I was tired and felt like going home to sleep or cry. Instead, I went to the gym which despite the fact that I had to force myself to go, was just the perfect remedy.

Since, I have reread the report thoroughly and the captioning notes. I feel much better now. I am just not going to worry about it and see what happens when I meet with neurosurgery for followup near the end of April (yes, neurosurgeons at OHSU and Stanford have been sent my films and report for review).

I am feeling great though and I have faith and confidence that everything will work its way out (just like the shoes I needed and my foot and ankle injuries that went away). I see it as more things going right in life than going wrong. So I am going to put my full energy into productive/positive things and "enjoy the moment".

It is so freeing to let go of worry and negativity! What a high!

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