Old Dreams

Sometimes I feel so old. (sigh)

Harley was digging through old paperwork in the office and came upon some lists I wrote just 2-3 years ago. It amazes me when I look back at it on how many things I have done. The lists were mainly task lists of things we were to accomplish and my contribution. Sometimes I run across lists from when I was a supervisor for the WSDA too.

At first it struck me of how much better my hand writing was. It is almost unrecognizable to me now and I have to ask "Did I write that?" It is obvious that they were written by me but even with my good memory some of them I have no recollection of writing.

One list struck me with an eerie and melancholy sadness however as I see potential lost or vibrance and youth stolen. The list is as follows:

I want to fuel my body

1. So I can have the energy to get up in the morning and make the most of my day (gain fulfillment from production).

2. So I can provide an example of good health and success without using drugs for my brother, sister, and other young people.

3. So I am able to compete in the Seattle Super Skate (25 miles on rollerblades) in under 2 hours and improve my time each year.

4. So I have the energy and drive to pursue activities of my interests and dreams (rock climbing, hiking, etc.).

5. So my mind becomes clear and focused so I am open to my career aspirations in life.

6. So I have the strength and stamina to protect myself and to be prepared to assist and help others.

7. So I can still have stamina to contribute to remodeling our home at the end of the day. (This was assuming I would be putting in a full day of satisfying work making a contribution to society.)

8. So I can climb to the summit at Mt. Rainier and hike to the crater of Mt. St. Helens.

9. So I am still healthy and fit enough to continue scuba diving when I am in my 70s and 80s.

I never had a desire to climb Everest but I did have aspirations to hike to the base camp of Everest and climb Kilimanjaro if it became feasible.

I had somebody ask me yesterday what my hobbies were. Truth is I have a very hard time answering that these days as I can no longer do them or to the extent that I used to.

Before bed I reminisced about the days when I could rollerblade along Alki beach with such freedom and gracefulness of movement. I would glide in a tuck position from one leg to the other like an olympic speed skater.

It was such an exhilarating feeling. Even though there would be lots of people there in the summer months as long as the path was clear I felt solitude and serenity as the wind slipped through my hair and the smells of sea salt and wild roses permeated my senses.

Often I would go at dusk so I could admire the beautiful crimson sky hiding behind the black outline of the Olympic mountains. My balance was so well that I could continue in a tuck position and glide forward while my head was turned in a gaze over the waters of Puget Sound and the majestic mountains.

You see, it was moments like that when I felt really alive. Now those days are gone and I have to admit that now is a difficult place to be. I have to try to push those memories to the back of my mind or somewhere where they are not thought of often. Sometimes I can feel very lost....like an important chunk of my soul was swallowed beyond my will by a dastardly force. To cope I try to accept my fate but when I recall all such moments not so long ago, I feel like a very aged woman looking back in time at photos of her prime and youth.