Ominous Visitation

A very strange thing occured to me just now. I was going through my hall closet (that is what I have been doing.......cleaning and reorganizing the house and our lives so we can think and do). Anyhow, gifts were somewhat haphazardly thrown on various shelfs of our linen closet (for towels and bathroom necessities). On the bottom compartment in the floor area I had thrown gifts, lots of shopping bags, an old plastic shower curtain, two old shower heads (one that did not accomodate with our faucet), and I don't know a bunch of crap. LOL

While the other shelves were somewhat organized I completely emptied the compartment next to the floor which is about 2 and a half or three feet high. You would not believe the amount of empty bags (or shall I say useless bags) I had jammed into this small space. What on earth for? What the heck do I need all those bags for?

Upon emptying the space I vacumned any dust and wiped the wood floor down with furniture wipes. Then I neatly tucked all the gifts (even those on various shelves) and tissue wrap into this one space. Ahh! I was satisfied!

However, after finishing my arrangement I noticed the other "stuff" sprawled out all over the floor (such as the 50 gazillion shopping bags). As I sorted out which ones to put in the recycling and put aside the shower heads and curtain, I came upon an old back purse of mine. It is a cute little purse and in good shape except that the strap pulled out on one side.

Not knowing how I would sew this back together (LOL I don't sew) and realizing it was too small for my needs anyhow, I set my mind to putting it in the donation pile. I just can't bring myself to throw things out and who knows what crafty person is out there and would be tickled pink to find it at the nearest thrift store. Before tossing it aside in the Value Village boxes, I thought I better peruse through it first to make sure nothing important was left in there.

There were only two pockets (one a zipper and one to place credit cards in the front). Nothing was in the small main compartment. For some odd reason I decided to feel behind the little mirror on the flap. To my surprise there was something tucked behind it. "A business card?" I thought. What I pulled out just literally floored me.

Okay let's flash back about 13 years ago when I seriously thought it would be my last Christmas. I was diagnosed with cancer just days after my 21st birthday and started Chemotherapy in October of 1992. I remember the day I was given my diagnosis which was a complete shock. My hands shake as I write this just thinking about it.

I recall the day I went in. I was having some breathing problems and was really tired. I had been treated for what was thought to be asthma for a month before I found the lump between my clavicle and neck. Once the "lump" was there the doctor was baffled and ordered a chest xray.

Next thing you know I get a call from the doctor telling me that I did not have a lung infection and there was something unclear on xray. He consulted with some other doctors at the same facility that wanted to run additional tests. He did mention that it was possible I may have had Leukimia but not likely.

Being a college student I called my mom and told her but thought it really would not be a big deal. Fortunately my mother drove from Wisconsin to Upper Michigan to accompany me at the next doctor visit that friday. Thank God she came to the appointment with me because I could have never in a million years fathomed what was about to take place.

We first saw the family doctor who informed us that we were being sent to the oncology clinic upstairs where they wanted to give me more tests. I can't tell you what was discussed because I blanked out the moment the oncologist said I might have "CANCER". My younger cousin (who was 10 at the time) passed away a year prior to my diagnosis from a rare form of cancer. Even though I had very astute hearing at the time, I had no idea what the man said from that point on. I off envisioning my entire funeral (being buried in the ground on a crisp and cloudy fall day and the whole dramatization).

Next thing I know, the guy wants to draw my bone marrow. "You wanna what.....stick that huge horse needle in my back???" At that moment I did not think it could get any crappier because the pain of a bone marrow draw was like nothing I have ever known! To top it off it had to be done twice (once in each hip)!!!!!

After the procedure I felt I could barely walk let alone sit down. I tried to sit in the waiting room and the pain was too severe so I had to stand. I could not help but cry silently. I was embarassed and did not want anyone to see me but there was nowhere to hide in the small waiting room I was situated in. There was one wall I could face with a huge painting but I still could be exposed to the receptionists on the one side and anyone who happened to walk by the glass waiting room wall on the other side.

There was only one other person in the waiting room who was a gentle older man sitting in a chair behind me. I tried my damndest to hold back any tears but they slowly rolled down my cheek beyond my control. Still conscientious if anyone were to notice me, I would quickly glance back at the man to see if he was looking. He had his eyes closed and looked like he was concentrating really hard...as if he were absorbed in prayer. I thought to myself that he must be here waiting for his wife or another loved one who may be dying from cancer.

Happy that he was not looking but pondering his existence in this same space made me think about the gravity of his situation. Here I was very self conscious and vain and feeling sorry for myself while the poor man was stricken with grief of being a loved one of someone afflicted with cancer. It seemed like it was taking my mom forever to talk to the doctor so I had a great deal of time to stand out there and think.

Finally she emerged and we were able to leave. Before I made it out the door the old man looked up at me and gently touched my arm. I looked down at him and in the most sincere and hopeful facial expression and voice he said "God bless you". It was literally quite profound that someone with their own burden of emotion would take the time to think about me (a complete stranger) and pray for me.

Originally I was supposed to (or I thought) that I was only going to have 3 months of chemo or 6 treatments. When it had beaten me the worst was just before Christmas of 1992. My last treatment before the holiday I learned that I was not even half way finished when I thought I was closer to being done. Somewhere there was a miscommunication and the plan was 12 chemotherapy treatments over 6 months of time.

I was so disappointed and was so sick at the time. When I came home I thought it would be my last Christmas. Nobody had decorated the tree yet and everyone seemed kind of in a glum mood. I remember thinking "Well damnit I am not going to go out like this!" I remember getting the family on the stick and encouraging decorating the tree. I did not have any money so I made Christmas gifts that year that I am sure were pretty cheesy. LOL

I made it through the holidays and once I accepted that my treatment was going to be a little longer, I think I was okay. I don't know who (maybe my mom, one of her friends or my friends) gave me these little "pass it on" cards the size of a business card. One of them had a purple crocus flower on it poking through the snow. The words "Miracles happen to those who believe in them" were inscribed above the picture.

As it turns out and ironically, my last chemotherapy treatment was on April 9th, 1993 which was Good Friday. Not only was it the Easter weeken (when you see crocuses popping through the snow) but Good Friday was a day that Jesus perfomed yet another miracle. I did have a short stint of radiation afterward as a followup precaution but that is my day (April 9th) that I was given a second chance at life.

This past year has been a rollercoaster ride and I have wished that I had that card and a miracle. In the spring of 1993 I had a friend who was having a challenging time so I thought I had "passed the card on" during her confirmation. For years I thought about the card and thought about its significance.

Oddly enough I was wishing I still had the card and wanted that miracle over the last few weeks (primarily when I had to get my checkups and another MRI). Then I thought to myself "You don't need that card. You just need to believe" and that was that. Even though I am bumping around and still falling on my keister sometimes, I can drink from a glass again and I just learned to close my right eye and slightly open my left. Those may seem like simple things to you but are a miracle to me. Why? I have not been able to close my right eye without closing my left and I could only drink from a straw for a year! On December 14th of last year half my face seized up and was paralzyed. I only had 52% facial function on the right. Thus the latest progress had made me estatic!

My smile is getting near to what it was before. Now hopefully my balance and vision will be restored. I am enjoying feeling better and improving in areas but I enjoy it for the moment as I never know what is around the next bend. It has been a year and a half since my treatment and I was told it takes around two years (for which I thought was going to be symptom free aside from a few headaches.....boy I was wrong).

In the back of my mind I know I still have two more tumors to treat and I don't know how that will go. I wonder if I will get lucky or endure the same consequences as I have over the past year and a half. If the treated tumor does not shrink then I might have to get open brain surgery. The doctors do not seem to want me to think about this but it is hard to avoid as I know I will have to make another decision in the future. I remember when I had chemotherapy that I would be sick the first week and feeling good again right when it was back to go in a feel like crap again. I guess that is my fear.......just when I start to feel somewhat restored again it will be time to go back.

When I looked behind the mirror today I pulled out that card! No, I don't need a card to have a miracle or something good or positive to happen. However, I look at it as a sign. When I thought I lost it, my hope has been restored. Believe what you want to believe but for me this visitation or presence couldn't have come at a better time! Now it serves as a reminder to not give up.