Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Swimming to bring me Hope

"Hope fills our hearts with joy, even when our hearts are breaking."
"It is hope that gives us an invincible spirit."

"Beauty does not come with creams and lotions. God can give us beauty, but whether that beauty remains is determined by our thoughts and deeds. " - Delores Del Rio

I confess to you that I first had a very difficult time with morale when I got out of the hospital. I have not really discussed it yet. I will tell you that my attitude which may surprise you was very ugly - DEFINITELY not a spirit of beauty. Therefore, I really wrestled with whether I should write about it.

When I first became aware of my face, it burned me something raw. I was filled with anger and felt I had been betrayed. Thinking back I do not recall ever really blaming God for my cancer or the NF2 and the struggles I have had with it. But for some reason I did this time and asked over and over again "WHY?".

To this day I still have difficulty coming to terms with my face and sometimes feel the pain of sorrow. I try to push it back and recognize it as the face of evil trying to steal the joy from my life. So I slap the evil in the face and keep on living with a laugh that I will be victorious over it. One of my focuses very important to me is charity and working very hard to bring awareness of this disorder and help people in need where I am able.

Recovery physically has been pretty marvelous and miraculous! This week despite the pain in my leg still, I ran about 19 miles, hiked 2100 feet of elevation gain, returned to the gym, and walked my dogs too! My focus it to participate in the Seattle Rock and Roll half marathon next Saturday in support and to cheer on the NF endurance team for morale and thank them for their dedication to helping those with NF. I feel my role there is important and plan to run/ walk the half marathon with the intent to run half of the distance. It will be a presurgery record for sure!

Back to Hope.....

Hope is the name of the fishy Jaine and Jessica brought me at the hospital. He brings me Hope and that is why I named him as such.

When I had cancer at the age of 21, I was away from home in college. I was afraid to sleep at night or in my room (they say it is the fear of dying alone). So what I would do is sleep on the couch in our apartment and watch my beautiful angle fish swimming around. It relaxed me and eventurally put me to sleep.

Fish have always had a calming effect on me. It is one of the reasons I am a diver. At times I have been so at peace and relaxed while diving that my breathing became very deep and I could almost go to sleep!

Hope is so great and is doing wonderfully fitting into our family. In fact I think the dogs might be just a little jealous when they here me come down in the morning and cheerfully talk to Hope. He gets really excited and flutters his fins. For real! My husband was so amazed! He sits on the counter in the kitchen so he is able to watch all the action and I see him all day. Like the dogs, he brings me so much joy and hope.

Thanks again ladies! You have no idea how great your inner beauty and compassion is to me!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your honest and tangible expression brought tears of admiration

Thank you