Rafting anyone?

We have briefly returned. Harley had some time off during my birthday so we took a trip to see my mom and dad in Moses Lake and then onward to Idaho to visit my sister and DJ in their new home.

A few days to a week before we were to leave (on the 18th) Harley wanted to take me white water rafting. Before the last year (or prior to my treatment) I would have jumped at the chance! I have always been one big on adventure and this is something I wanted to do for a long time. However, the ugly head of NF2 side effects post treatment seems to have planted the seed of doubt and anxiety in my mind.

All the rivers in Idaho are apparently are at a lax right now and only the rivers that had been dammed all summer and the floodgates now open hold the promise of a wild ride. One such a river exists in Yakima, WA and is a class III river. Initially I was probably asked about it over the summer and it sounded cool. Yet after a travel plan was set, 3 days before my 34th birthday, and after experiencing the difficulty with lifting my head out of the water after tubing a few weeks prior, anxiety set in and I found myself fretting in a state of emotional turmoil.

On the spot and needing to make a decision a day or two before we were to leave, I felt like I had been sucked into the movie "Final Destination". Here I had thought since losing my invincible shield and going through the drama of the last year, I had become accepting and at peace with impending death. However, when contemplating white water rafting, visions ensued of me bouncing around inside the raft due to lack of balance with my eyesight jiggling, going over a mammoth rapid and getting flung from the boat, and getting sucked into the rapids unable to lift my head out of the water because of total disorientation. Unlike, getting flung off of a tube on a calm lake, I pictured myself getting carried away in the current with my head in the water where it would be too rough for anybody to jump in and save me. Wow! What a terrifying vision! Thus it became my focus to live past my birthday and I was kind of resistant to going.

Weird, eh?

We could have gone on a slow river in Idaho but the day we were thinking of going it ended up rainy or cold.