Monday, August 07, 2006

Brain Port

This highly interests me. Some people dream of being able to hear again. Yeah that would be nice but what I truly crave and long for is the sense of balance I once had. Some days it is absolutely painful (emotionally) to know what I used to be able to do and not be able to do those things anymore. I watch all forms of life and ages.....from the smallest infant tumbling and learning to stand to an elderly person exhausting him or herself just to walk to the car or cross the street.

Balance absolutely fascinates me and I WANT IT! Balance is something in life that most people (those not balance challenged) take for granted and not think about. Just putting on a pair of underwear which was such a simple carefree thoughtless task before has now become something in my conscious mind and a reminder of where I am at.

After swim lessons the other ladies are able to whip on their clothes in a hurry. It never fails that I am most often the last person out of the locker room (if I get out of the pool at the same time) and I have not even showered or combed my hair. I was just trying to put on my damn clothes! To put on my underwear I have to hold on the wall with one hand and carefully slip each leg/foot in its appropriate openning. Then for the pants I must sit down on a bench.

Before I used to be able to run up and down stairs with ease often carrying a backpack or over the shoulder book bag. I have now adapted to loading my one arm with bags and grasping the handrail firmly with the other. Ah going down the stairs...well that is just plain terrifying and I must be extremely cautious (especially if I am carrying something in one hand).

Hiking.....I have always been a person to climb around on rocks and step toward the edge to peer over. I was always confident with my sense of balance and never worried about toppling over or falling of a ledge. Now walking on a flat bed of river rocks is a major accomplishment.

There are others: rollerblading, skiing, biking, waterskiing. There was so much more I wanted to do also.

But just the small things like putting on underwear and walking freely down the stairs without fear of falling. That would be really nice.


Laura said...

Your beauty and grace far surpasses most people I have ever met. These things are not measured by your balance, but by the person we all see. We see a person who has had to face many challenges throughout her life, yet still manages to have a deep compassion for others. Your genuine concern and love for others comes from within you and cannot be taken away. You have accomplished so much over the years and quite recently and I believe it's just the begining of many more amazing accomplishments for you. I'm sure it will be challenging and difficult beyond my understanding, but that's when we find out what we're really made of! I know you've had your fair share of obstacles, but if anyone can do it it would be you. I honestly, whole-heartedly believe that and I believe in you!
All my love:o)

Anonymous said...

"Some days are better than others."

I understand the tendency to focus on limitations when we're exhausted. We're really great at overdoing things without realizing it--remnants of high physical endurance standards!

Good vent!

The underwear thing is my barometer, too! lol After a number of balance turns between zero and something I can live relatively well with, it's hilarious how much of a lift it gives me to put on my underwear in the morning.

Balance comes and goes and is certainly terrible when I'm tired. I'd rather err on the side of caution, though. I don't even try running, and get exhausted super-easily. I guess everything combined has made me a lot more understanding of the tumor load my body's got. Although it's still fun to test the boundaries, moderately, now and then!

It's kind of cool to turn it into a game, and think about how you'd view what you do have now, if it was gone (I did that a lot while I was an undergrad, when I'd lost the most so suddenly).

I savor memories of the sensations of all that I could do before my surgeries, and losses of functions, and years ago the holding onto the railing and other things bothered me. That we even have those memories and experiences is pretty amazing.

Wishing you strength!

Rebecca said...

Laura what a completely beautiful and unexpected comment! I am extremely touched and honored that you think that of me.

Thanks for lifting me up and thanks for being such a good friend. In the face of all this I feel extremely "lucky" to have people like you in my life! I often wonder why I have been blessed with such good fortune.

Your words are incredibly meaningful to me and came at a time when I was getting into a rut of frustration.

Thank you beyond words!

Love, Beck :o)

Rebecca said...


Yes I have noticed that too....that it can vary from day to day. All my practices up to this point have been going pretty well but I felt completely off on Saturday.

LOL I was wondering if I was the only one with a serious underwear issue! :oP Yes it is quite a feat! I admit that sometimes I practice putting on a pair of underpants very quickly without falling over. It is like making a touchdown isnt it?!

My balance really goes out the door when I have to go to the bathroom!

I guess I am still new at it yet as sometimes I forget I can no longer do certain things (like walk around in a department store casually with my hands in my pockets). Everytime I do it I either almost fall over or stagger around like a drunk. LOL I get some interesting looks from people.

Hope you are well! Thanks for writing! :o)