Saturday, December 17, 2005

All is not slient in NF2land

I began writing this post Tuesday night and got side tracked. Thus I forgot to save it. It is just as well as it is now late Friday night or early Saturday morning depending on how you look at it. My reason for writing was an effort to try to vent the constant noise in my head. It is ironic to me that I am completely deaf (no sound at all) but I am bombarded at times with sounds that are repetitive and often annoying for hours, days, weeks, and months. Sometimes it leaves me physically and mentally exhausted to the point where I walk around feeling like a zombie.

Maybe about a month ago (prior to Thanksgiving) I began to think about and miss Christmas music. At the time all I heard for weeks nearly 24 hours a day was the sound of police, fire engine, or ambulance sirens going off in my brain. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I saw one that set off the trigger in my brain. Often my brain must associate a sound with a sight. Somtimes the brain is unwilling to let go of the memory of a certain sound. Beyond my will or choice, it will play like a broken record for weeks on end.

In the past I have had varying degrees of tinnitus (ringing in the ears). When it becomes extreme and constant, the brain will often decide to give the ring a certain tone or sound from memory. When I first began losing hearing luckily the tinnitus would all of a sudden play the sound of scottish bagpipes which I found quite pleasing and peculiar until I figured out what it was.

However, after I became deaf I have gone through periods of not so pleasing and very annoying sounds! In October of 2004, I recalled the sound of one of our hanging halloween decorations. Now it was rather cool during Halloween as a hearing person. Unfortunately my dang brain must have thought it was too cool because it took over a month for it to go away. I even consulted with the nurse as I thought surely there must be something wrong or I am losing my damn mind! What happened is that it did not shut off one day. Instead it kept playing and even kept playing a version of imaginary batteries running out of juice making the sound even MORE irritating! I must say those were some pretty tough everready batteries as it played the dying battery tone for weeks!

When I was hearing I used to get a kick out of yahoo instant messenger sound options (especially the man saying "Goodbye!" and slamming the door whenever someone logged off). I am completely baffled by this one but for whatever reason, my brain kept repeating this our during our whole Arizona vacation. Talk about an annoyance!

Ok now back to the Christmas music. I must have really liked the song "Winter Wonderland" as that is the song I first thought about when I desired to hear Christmas music again. Well be careful what you wish for because you might get it and IN EXCESS! During our Thanksgiving visit to my parents there was a show that was Christmassy with snow and winter songs in captioning. "Winter Wonderland"was the song they played (I read it on the captioning).

I don't remember when it started really (sometime after our visit in November). My brain changed from sirens to "Winter Wonderland". That may sound really fantastic to you all. However, my brain did not select "Bing Crosby" or a cool instrumental version of the song. Instead it chose an electronic organ that sounded computerish or like an electronic Christmas toy. Arrgh! After a few hours anyone would have about enough of that.

I really do not know why of all the sounds and singers I have listened to in the past it chose something that made me just cringe. What is worse is that it did not stop and even began to play like a broken record skipping around and repetively playing a section like Max Headrom (annoying video guy from the 80s).

By Tuesday night it was driving me mad and into a weary stupor. I tried to go to sleep around 4 am but just could not get the sound to shut off. I so longed to hear the Christmas carols I remembered and Christmas mass at church while growing up. In the silence of the night but the chaos in my head, I begged God for some relief so I could sleep.

Suddenly the beautiful voice of a woman like an angel began to sing over the "Winter Wnderland" and I began to have peace. She sang "Silent Night". Her voice seemed so familiar (like Loreena McKennit but not). Her voice was so amazing that it moved me. Not wanting her to fade away and to be drowned out by the tinnitus, I began to cry in my half sleep. I thought about never being able to hear Christmas carols again and the beauty of music that I loved. I did not want her soothing melody to leave me.

I don't produce tears and I don't think I bawl where one would make alot of noise. I tried to hold it back but then gasps of air escaped my lungs and I began to quiver. Overjoyed to hear such an angelic voice to a very moving song and also in fear that it would be my last, I awoke Harley with my quivering. He held my in his arms until I fell asleep.

The "Winter Wonderland" tune did reappear but gradually other songs began to push their way in (such as "Ol Little Town of Bethlaham" and "Little Drummer Boy" to name a few). Fortunately the choice of instrument has also changed. I kept thinking what instruments the music sounded like.

At first it was like one practicing on an oboe, bass clarinet, and clarient. I used to play the clarinet from 6th through 12th grade. I had to go through the phase in my brain of practicing and learning to play. Naturally the clarinet took over in my brain and as of today I am hearing many Christmas tunes played by mainly a clarinet. There must have been one song in particular that I enjoyed performing in a past concert as it keeps playing. The sound is not bothersome however, and is rather comforting and brings back memories of days when I played this fine instrument. I had forgotten and lost the appreciation of making music that I had acquired through playing the clarinet. I am not sad or disraught about not being able to play the clarinet again but instead a smile is on my face as I recall the lovely sounds produced by the woodwind.

All is not silent but I finally have a little peace and contentment in my mind.

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