Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The nightmare

When I was a girl, I would sometimes have bad dreams so intense that it would take every bit of energy I could muster to reach over and turn on the light to escape the terror and pull myself out of dreaming and back into reality.

Well I have not experienced that physically draining of a bad dream since then that I can recall. However, the dream last night did not necessarily pull me into the reality I was expecting and upon waking I had a scary experience.

Here is the dream: I don't know much about it but I recall other people were living in our house or we were living in a house with other people. It was weird. We were living there because we were alike and had some kind of connection. Were we all brain tumor patients? I honestly don't know.

Somehow, somewhere I met someone who wanted to be a part of our group but the person had to escape from the people who were holding him. I cannot give you details because I can't remember. It was a strange situation. I agreed to allow this person into our group (to live at our house/compound/whatever it was). The person was to arrive that evening when it was safe to escape.

The evening came and I had told the others that this person was going to join us. I think they were leary and unsure about my decision. To my dismay, the person betrayed us. When time came for him to arrive, our house was under attack by a militia with guns!

I knew everyone would be upset with me. Harley was with me but sleeping through everything. Although I am deaf I could hear in the dream and know what was going on. I became very stressed and felt the pressure I experienced when having a nightmare when I was young. In my dream I pulled the covers over my head to hide and did not want to come out. It became so overwhelming to me I could not stand it and could not hide from my fear!

Then somehow with the desire to want to escape, I hoped it was a bad dream during an unconscious state and if I came out from the covers it would be over. Therefore, I mustered the courage to open my eyes and realized I was home in my own bed and room.
But it was not over. The pressure in my head did not stop. I was utterly terrified!

Did one of the tumors grow pinching my brain stem? Oh God the horror! I sat up hoping it would go away. I felt no pain but just this intense pressure that I am unsure how to describe at this moment. I rocked back and forth to comfort myself hoping that it would disipate. No do! Therefore, I decided I would take something to reduce swelling which may have been the cause of my current problem. The diamox was sitting on my dresser (medication I take daily) but I did not want to put my dosage out of wack on a prescribed medicine. The next best thing would be IB Profen.

I made my way downstairs with the pressure still knawing at my brain. Ok this is a good sign I thought as I was able to make my way out of bed without stumbling or falling. I continued down the stairs with no falls and no pain which provided me some sense of ease. I made my way to the kitchen and took 2 IB Profen and then headed to the couch to lie down and relax.

For a moment I wanted to get upset and cry internally but I reconsidered realizing that any further stress would increase the pressure or not help the situation. I focused on relaxed breathing and pictured my friend Laura in my mind of how she calmed me 2 years ago when I got upset at the beach. (Incidentally, from the moment on, I often picture her showing me to breath deeply whenever I get upset.)

Above the TV is a framed poster of the coast of Italy. It is very serene and peaceful. I focused on being in the beautiful and peacefull setting and my friend guiding me through relaxed and deep breathing. Within a few minutes it ended and I was able to go back to sleep. Phew!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hi becky, this is tom. i have been trying to e-mail you. could you e-mail me? waiting to hear from you