Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Buzz Buzz Goes the Beauty

Some days are hard. There are days where memories of who I was before my demise plague my waking thoughts. You would not completely understand it unless you have befallen such a trajedy yourself. One where there is not a reverse direction or a point when things end, all is well, and it is back the way it was before.

Of course when one endures trajedy of any sort one is changed. I recall that when I had cancer things were terrible, a lesson was learned, I got better and went on with life. I can think of several situations in which one may physically be restored to their previous state but perhaps emotionally changed as a person.

However, like someone who has become paralyzed, with NF2 life does change whether you want it to or not. Yes of course there is a lesson learned but one must also learn to adapt to this new self which can be a tremendous struggle to overcome. "No longer who I was but not yet who I will be." - Michael Harvey, PhD.

Saturday was such a day for me. I can't recall exactly what triggered it. I have phases of going in and out. No it really is not related to becoming deaf but instead it is all of the other things I am beginning to discover and piece together. Although at the time it may have seemed rather ordinary, I am haunted by some of the marvelous physical challenges I have accomplished. I cannot even fathom how I did something as simple as rollerblading over broken side walk or jumping bumps and curbs. I truly do miss having my balance and previous level of athletisism. My thinking was like Sir Edmund Hillary when asked why he climbed Everest "Because I can." When I see a mountain it pains me greatly that I cannot climb it.

I was caught in a tangle of emotion feeling sorry for myself again. Harley was waking up and I did not want him to notice. Remember that I cannot cry but somehow he is able to read the expression on my face. I stared blankly out the window in my self pity. The day was beautiful! A day where I would have been out doing something such as diving or hiking or just messing around outside. I was pulled into a trance of deep sadness.

You know those optical illusion pictures where you see nothing at first and if you stare long enough the hidden art seems to pop out at you? Well it was like that. At first I just all I could see was the window screen in my attempts to look away. Then I looked beyond and noticed the sun gleaming on all the vegetation and the trees up on the hill standing tall as if in a painting.

All of a sudden I witnessed an amazing sight! LOL No I did not see the image of Christ nestled in the trees but a dragonfly! I had never seen one at the cabin before! For summer this may not be very amazing to some of you but normally dragonflies frequent ponds, riverbanks, wetlands, etc. But our home is not in such a location! The nearest tiny lake is a mile away and it is surrounded by homes. Further, there is a main road (busy in the summer) in route to our house.

I immediately got excited and looked at Harley. When I looked back out the window I saw another one. Wow what a lucky day! I was glued to the scenery out our bedroom window. I thought I was seeing several dragonflies when I began to realize it was the same one the whole time! It kept flying triumphantly back and forth outside my window as if it were saying "Bzzz Bzzz Never Fear For I Am Here!" It was entertaining me with its own personal dance!

The sight was beautiful and I then realized if not in this time and space, I might have never noticed such a gift!

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